A Change was bound to take place
My Body, my self……..I have always know who I was in this regard, I may have come to a more acute conclusion in the more recent years how I proceed to go about moving if I wanted such a relationship, but the important factor is, I have always known who I was. Let me tell you, I am no different from most people, I want and desire, I had been on the apps in the past for hookups, I fucking love sex and the older I get, shit, the better it is!!!!! Hell, I used my ex husband cheating as an excuse to live a party girl life style and knocked a host of things off of my sexual bucket list even. But, as much as I love sex, I am a patient lay….I have a saying I love to tell everyone since college—- “I fuck who I want, not who I feel I have to fuck”.
The birth portal tried her best to enact the deviant part of sex with us with reminders on not to have sex until marriage and promising my sister and I would get kicked out of the house if we got pregnant. It took, one incident between me and my “secret” boyfriend for that portal I came out of, to blow up before I decided no from the birth family never had to worry about me being in a relationship with anyone. I shut down in that area with anyone as a result. Unless you see me with someone, you are probably always going to guess if I’m with someone…..I like that about me even if it formed for the wrong reason. I have always kept my current sex life private and I still intend on keeping that up.
But, because I pay attention to actions more than anything, I am always fine with being by my lonely. I never held the idea that I should wait to marriage especially since I never planned on getting married. The idea to deal with a guy and his poor behavior for the sake of being in a relationship is not something I could even pretend to do in this lifetime. I have always been straight up about my boundaries that way….I saw the crap of a relationship those boomers exhibited and I CHOSE not to get in a relationship anytime I wasn’t in one. I always flew straight with ever boy, male, man I met. I never liked them enough to be or play like a fool with them, I wanted to try one thing to see what they hype was maybe… (I realized long ago I liked women but you know growing up how I did, I learned to keep all of that under wraps after that birth portal caught me playing with a girl at church once……). But I can always appreciate a good looking man, all day long.
Nonetheless, I was floating around after my little party girl time and decided to play nice with that ex-husband because I was tired of working. I told myself to come up with a plan to just leave within a year and guess what happened???? But before I quit working I found out he had been cheating again and I told him fuck it, I was just going to run away because this life sucked. I cried, yelled and everything —-but told him how much I hated sex with him, how I have ruined my chances to get in a better relationship because of his promises…he begged me to stay and of course by that point I knew it was lies, but I told myself to quit getting emotional when I found out things about him and just plan better….you know when I finally learned? After my ass got pregnant!!!! lol. I ended up having an emergency C-section delivery, so I sat in the hospital for a couple of weeks prior to my baby’s birth, all by myself with a lot of time to think and rather than get mad at anyone at that point, I saw how all the decisions I made led me to sitting in a hospital bed by myself without even a mother’s love to comfort me during the most terrifying time of my life and I KNEW, I had to get away from all of these people….I just didn’t know how. That is when I know the “change” manifested in my head.
Eight years later, the only person I am in contact with from those days is a birth portal, 2 nephews and a niece who as soon as Universe tell me to go, I never plan on seeing again. It only took a couple of years, but, this is the most peace and truthfully the best I have ever looked in my life. I was so proud in 2023 that I achieved the look I wanted in my face and when I look back at those pictures now in 2025, I can see and understand why my plans have not worked out!!! I look at where I want to be and do, my dream ultimately, I look in the mirror and I see why no one dares approach me!!! I just wanted to lose weight, I was always content with how I looked, but I’m realizing the Universe is MAKING me sit still to become a natural baddie….I’m understanding, slowly but surely. I asked for this change, I didn’t know how it was going to happen, but I didn’t want to have to live a life having my child attached to negative people for the wrong reasons. It took some time, but he see’s through that birth portal of mine and he finally sees why I told him she was fake. I really think that was the last thing for him to see and really understand before we move on to live the life we are supposed to.
